


How to Fly With a Broken Wing?

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Amputation, Angst, Brain Damage, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Dancer Magnus Bane, Depressed Magnus Bane, Doctor Alec Lightwood, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Family Angst, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Fluff, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood in Love, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Parents Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad and Happy, Seizures, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Worried Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-01-20 18:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: REAL LIFE AU, MALEC AS PARENTSAlec and Magnus have been together for ten years. In that time they’ve gotten married and adopted two adorable boys. Despite chaos, guilt and insecurities everything is about as close to perfection as possible.Until a horrible accident steals away large parts of what made Magnus who he is. Will he find the strength to recover? What will become of the Lightwood-Bane family?
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 161
Kudos: 201





	1. The Crash

**Author's Note:**

> I have NO IDEA where this story-idea came from. But it’s been sitting in the back of my head for ages, begging to be unleashed. Sooo, ta-da! (chuckles nervously)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (Admitting that hurts, you know?) And nope, I make no profit out of this.
> 
> WARNINGS: Injury... Mental issues... Disability... Angst and feeeeeeeeeells... Those of you who have read my stories before know how much of a bitch I can be. The rest of you... Sorry...? (Not sorry.)
> 
> Awkay, then... (gulps) Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride. Hard as it’ll be.

/ _It was Alec Lightwood’s first day as a doctor without someone watching over his shoulder, instructing and criticizing. He was so terrified of screwing up that he felt sick to his stomach. People trusted themselves to his hands, and while he was the top of his class he felt like he had no idea what he was doing. The responsibility was a huge strain on his chronically tense shoulders._

_He was still scared, even though by two in the afternoon that day had been anticlimactic. A couple of cases of flu... A screaming and crying child with a toy-soldier in his nose, who punched Alec while he tried to assess the situation... A seventy-year-old suffering from acute confusion who was convinced that she was pregnant and feared that her husband would leave her if he found out about her infidelity..._

_When Catarina, one of the nurses, briefed him on one Magnus Bane he actually dreaded what awaited. Especially with how worried she seemed. “Something went wrong during a dance practice and he hit his head pretty badly. According to Dot, his dancing partner, he was unconscious for about fifteen minutes while they waited for an ambulance.”_

_Alec’s brows furrowed as his mind went through all possible results of a head trauma. “Confusion? Nausea?”_

_Catarina shuddered. “While I was putting away the cardboard-bowl he vomited into he found it amusing that there were three of me ‘fluttering around’. So, yeah.” Deep worry made her tone sharper than it usually was._

_If those symptoms weren’t alarming, Alec would’ve appreciated the comedic elements. He made a list of all the scans and other tests he wanted done. When he was finished Catarina breathed in deep. “I’ll make sure that these are taken care of. But Magnus is a friend of mine, so if it’s okay, another nurse will take over after that.”_

_Alec nodded in understanding. “Of course.” His eyes softened in a manner someone might’ve labeled uncharacteristic. “I’ll do my best to take a good care of him.”_

_Catarina smiled the best as she could. “I know. I wouldn’t trust one of the most important people in my life to just anyone.”_

_Alec was simultaneously flattered and scared. After letting Catarina go he headed to the mysterious dancer. What came next was like out of those romantic movies his sister’s boyfriend loved._

_Alec walked through a door, too focused on his tablet to notice a wet spot on the floor. He did a ridiculous little dance before falling down gracelessly. He groaned from embarrassment and pain when his behind suffered the brunt of his clumsiness._

_Almost instantly there was a ring-decorated hand held out for him. For some reason his attention locked on the burgundy nail polish. “I’m so sorry, that was my fault! They had to clean up because of me.” Every cell in Alec’s body reacted to that voice. “Are you alright?”_

_Alec nodded slowly, not remembering to take the hand. “I’m fine.” Although losing consciousness or sinking through the floor might’ve spared him from the humiliation of stumbling in front of his patient. He lifted his gaze and his breath caught._

_Because the man looking down at him was the most beautiful human being he’d ever seen._

_If the appreciative stare he earned in return was any indication, the other thought something similar of him. “My goodness, you’re pretty.” With those words Magnus fainted._ /

/

Alec Lightwood-Bane had heard from a lot of people that over time magic disappears from every relationship. That while love remains, it becomes mundane, like a calm sea. He wasn’t sure he agreed. After exactly ten years together his skin still tingled pleasantly even after just a simple message from Magnus. This time his heart also soared and ached simultaneously. Because a picture of two sleeping boys had been added to the words.

‘_It took two hours. But I finally got them to calm down. And I’m ready for our anniversary dinner._’

Alec frowned. Then typed back. ‘_What happened?_’

Magnus was likely leaving their apartment, because it took some time before he answered. ‘_Max is upset because his classroom’s pet-hamster Turbo died. Rafe is upset because he didn’t win that stupid science fair._’

Alec’s stomach dropped and knotted. He’d forgotten that stupid hamster’s name although Max talked about it all the time. He’d also forgotten that the science fair was today although Rafael had been preparing something for it for months. How many others things had he forgotten? He often had to leave for work before the boys were awake and entirely too often they were sleeping when he returned home. It’d been especially bad lately with the flue-season forcing him to do a double-shift after a double-shift.

He was missing out, and he’d sworn to himself that he’d never miss out.

‘_And now_ you _are upset. I’m calling you._’ Almost immediately after the message Alec’s phone was ringing. Magnus’ voice still had the same impact on him it did the day they met. Which was why the doctor sputtered out before it could distract him. “I’m a horrible dad.”

“_What?_” A car door was slammed closed on Magnus’ end. “_We’ve talked about this. You have to stop reading those books about parenting._”

“This isn’t about the books.” Under different circumstances Alec might’ve been embarrassed by how high-pitched he’d become. He didn’t like the bitter taste rising to his mouth. “Sometimes... Sometimes I feel like I spend more time with my patients than our boys.”

“_You’re amazing, incredibly skilled and busy with saving lives. I spend too much time at the dance studio and the club. We love what we do about a tenth of how much we love our kids, and that’s a lot. We’d be miserable without our jobs._” Magnus sighed heavily. “_Maybe Max and Rafe would deserve better but they don’t want better. They want us, in all our chaotic, insane, imperfect glory._”

Alec actually started to feel a little better. He hummed. “We’re lucky.”

“_Damned right we are._” Magnus’ voice softened, like it always did when they talked about their kids. “_And in case you’re worried about them resenting you... Remember that when you’re home, Max always comes to you first when he needs an adult. And Rafe wanted to win that fair so badly because he wants to be just like you when he grows up._”

Alec hadn’t known that, either. A smile appeared to his lips. “Really?”

“_Really._” Magnus sounded more emotional than he probably meant to. _“We’ve got great kids._”

“I’ve got a great husband, too.” Not for the first time Alec thanked whatever higher power was listening that he found Magnus.

“_Best not tell him about me, then._” Magnus seemed to come to the conclusion that he was feeling better. “_As much as I enjoy talking with you, I have a few things to do before a hot date. And I’d rather not be on the phone while driving._”

Alec’s smile widened. “I’ve got some paperwork to wrap up, too. I’ll see you at the restaurant.” After ten years he didn’t hesitate before continuing. “I love you.”

“_I love you, too._” Magnus was about to hang up before adding something. “_For the record... I have a great husband, too._”

/

Life brings along plenty of surprises. Some precious few of them, like Alec, were pleasant ones. Others, such as almost cracking his skull during a dance practice, were less welcome. That day Magnus faced what was certainly one of the worst surprises of his life. Everything seemed to progress in slow motion, although in actuality it was over in less than three minutes.

He continued driving when his light turned green. Only to find that another car was charging right at him. It hit before he could finish asking himself what the other driving was thinking.

The impact was rough, slammed breath from his lungs and made his ears ring. The car spun once, twice, before the whole world seemed to still. Magnus was just about to try breathing again when something occurred to him.

On a busy street two-car accidents rarely remain two-car accident.

His head and whole upper body jerked forward when a brutal force struck from behind. His forehead collided with the steering wheel almost hard enough to knock him out. Somehow he was conscious for the next hit.

Car number three, a heavy SUV, struck his side. The whole world exploded with pain, noise and movement. Magnus’ last thought before darkness swallowed him was relief that the boys and Alec weren’t there with him.

(Magnus wasn’t aware of collisions four and five.)

/

Alec was just about to leave the staff’s changing room when Catarina approached him. He grimaced. “Don’t you dare tell me that there’s some emergency...!” He frowned when her distraught facial expression registered. “Cat? What is it?”

Catarina sobbed. Just once, but it was enough to reveal how bad things were. “It’s Magnus. There’s...” She had to try again when her voice broke. “There’s been an accident.”

Everything was hazy after that. Somehow he ended up to the waiting room with Catarina. Neither was in the mood for talking, but her presence was a hint of comfort. Maybe he’d called someone, because one by one others started to appear.

Jace and Clary came first. Instead of offering words his brother sat beside him and placed a supportive hand on his shoulder. It helped ground Alec on what was definitely one of the worst days of his life. Simon also rushed in soon, eyes wide and suspiciously red. The musician’s frantic babbling was enough to wipe out some of the chaos in the doctor’s head. Then his mom was there. Her hug nearly made him break down to tears. He fought the sobs building up deep in his ribcage with a will of iron.

_Stay strong and keep it together_, he told himself firmly. (Desperately.) Over and over again. _Keep it together, just like after Max..._ Thinking of his late brother was a mistake, because it made his chest tighten still. _Stay strong...!_

“Alec, honey...”

He didn’t want to hear what his mother had to say. “I... I should call the kids, let them know...” Oh, god, how was he supposed to...?

“Alec, no!” Jace shook his head. “Izzy said that they’re sleeping. If you wake them up and tell them in that state of mind you’ll just scare them.” His brother didn’t give him a chance to protest. “We’ll wait until we actually know something. Then we’ll call Izzy, together. And she’ll tell them, calmly and gently.” The blond went on after processing his own words. “Well, as calmly and gently as Izzy can manage.”

Alec’s broad shoulders slumped from something like defeat and he looked down. His hands, which were usually admirably steady, shook. “It’s... It’s our tenth anniversary”, he mused quietly and miserably. “I didn’t... I forgot to cancel the restaurant reservation.”

“It’s okay”, Maryse soothed softly. “Don’t worry about stupid things like that now.”

Alec shook his head almost frantically, irritation and thousand other things bubbling in his veins. “You don’t get it! That place, it’s... It’s Magnus' favorite. We made that reservation two moths ago...!” His breathing wheezed, and he buried his face to both unsteady hands when a few treacherous tears escaped. “I can’t... I can’t lose him! I can’t...!” He wasn't able to finish.

Jace pulled him closer. Everyone else seemed to inch closer, too, trying to offer silent support. But none of them was able to tell him with certainty that he wouldn’t lose Magnus. That everything would be okay.

It was hard to say how much more time passed by before steps entered the room. By then daylight was breaking outside. Andrew, a surgeon and a friend, seemed utterly exhausted and tense. “Hey”, the arrival greeted hoarsely. “Sorry it took me this long to come.”

Alec stood and straightened his tall frame. He barely noticed how several muscles complained. “How is he?”

Andrew took a deep breath. “Magnus suffered several injuries in the accident. Such as a broken sternum. One of his broken ribs came close to puncturing his lung. There was quite a bit of internal bleeding even without that, which was a big reason why I took my time.” The man’s jawline tightened. “We’re worried about the head trauma. A scan showed a hairline fracture to skull and we’re doing everything we can to make the swelling in his brain go down. At this point it’s impossible to predict what the long-term effects may be. Our best neurologist is examining him right now.”

A shocked silence filled the room. That... was a lot of unpleasant information to take in. Alec, however, had delivered enough horrible news to know that his friend was hiding something. By then he was so numb from shock that his voice came out clear and even. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Andrew tensed up. Then gulped and just spat it out. “Magnus’ lower body got trapped in the accident. And the damage done to his right leg... It was catastrophic. We had no other choice but to amputate it below the knee.”


	2. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Magnus fights for his life Alec and their sons struggle to deal with the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to update, guys! Yay? (smiles shyly)
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for your comments and support! This is going to be a rather emotional ride, so it means a lot that you’re willing join. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then... Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the chapter.

It wasn’t until in the early hours of the morning Magnus was stable enough to have Alec visiting him. The dancer wouldn’t be able to handle more than one visitor at a time, briefly, and it didn’t take a lot thought-work to settle who’d go. Maryse and Jace, who were still there at the time, gave him tight hugs. Alec surprised himself with clinging to them both.

“I love you. Give Magnus my love, too.” Maryse had only ever held him so tightly after his brother Max... “Whatever you need, let me know.” (Of course they both understood that she couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted and needed the most. But it was a sweet sentiment, anyway.)

Jace held him longer than would’ve been necessary. “Magnus is tough, and so are you. If there’s anyone who can get through this, it’s you two.” (Neither brother wanted to imagine a much sadder outcome.)

Andrew walked him to the ICU, and braced him for what was coming. “Magnus will be kept in a medically induced coma until the swelling in his brain goes down. And because of all the damage done to his chest area a ventilator helps him breathe.” The man gave him a moment to absorb the information so far. “He’s already very bruised, and it’ll probably get worse before getting better. His face is swollen from injury and medication, and we had to shave his head, so he’ll look very different.”

Breathing with the help of a damned machine... Bald and swollen... No makeup... No leg... Magnus would've been mortified if he was awake. The absurd thought nearly pulled a hysterical half-sob, half-laugh from Alec. “I’m a doctor, I know that”, he announced stiffly instead, perhaps more sharply than his friend would’ve deserved.

Andrew shook his head. “Right now, in this moment, you’re not a doctor. You’re the family member of someone who was injured badly and the professional part of your brain isn’t working.” The other man glanced towards him evaluatively. “Your tone just now gave away that you’re not even ready to hear about what’s going on. And when you enter the room, you have to be ready to see it all. If you’re not...”

“I’m not bailing on him.” Alec took a deep, shuddering breath to pull himself together. He couldn’t look towards Andrew in fear that it’d make him break down. “For better or for worse, that was the deal we made long before we were married.” And they held on to it when Magnus struggled with alcoholism and episodes of depression, when Alec sank into a sea of depression after his brother’s death, when the surrogate mom they chose miscarried... The doctor wondered bitterly how hard one couple could be tried before fate was satisfied. “Whatever happens, I’ll face it with him.”

Andrew smiled softly. “Okay. But just so you know... You’re not alone in this.”

Alec did his best to draw comfort from that. “I know.” He didn’t manage to go on until an elevator’s doors closed. “I’m scared”, he confessed at last, in a breathless whisper. Terrified, actually. That Magnus wouldn’t wake up. Or would wake up too damaged to ever be himself again. Or traumatized enough to slip back to old, horrible habits. He was scared to death that he’d lose the love of his life and the other parent of his children in one of too many possible ways.

Andrew, someone who’d found love similar to Alec’s, understood. His friend gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze. Under that comfort Alec steeled himself the best as he could.

While Alec had worked at the hospital for years, he’d never been a part of the ICU staff. Which meant that the strange and quiet ward was a foreign planet for him. The only time he’d been there before was when Max died, and the horrific memory made him sick to his stomach.

Two nurses were talking barely audibly, both wearing solemn expressions. At the end of the long hallway a young man, roughly Alec’s age when he first met Magnus, stumbled out of a room. Then buried his face to both hands before sinking to the floor. Shortly after a sad-faced doctor followed and lay a hand on the man’s shoulder, murmuring something that sounded like ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’.

Alec had to look away when his chest tightened painfully. The hallway was a place of worry, pain and grief. He wished that he could’ve been anywhere else in the world. Preferably home, waking up to start a new day with Magnus safe in his arms. That thought brought a lump to his throat.

Then they entered the correct room and most of Alec’s thoughts came to a screeching halt. Seeing Magnus rendered to a condition where he could barely recognize the man he’d shared his bed with for a decade... Surrounded by a nauseating amount of tubes, wires and machinery... It was almost more than he could bear.

A nurse named Helen, who was a student at Alec’s ward a few years earlier, greeted them with a small, sad smile. “Hey. I just changed Magnus’ IV bag. He was frowning and moaning a little, so I gave him a bolus of...”

“Is he in pain?” Alec asked immediately, ache surging through his own body.

“Not anymore”, Helen reassured. (Even if they realized that there was no way to be a hundred percent certain. But at least Magnus appeared calm and had gone quiet. Too quiet and still.) “Right now he seems pretty comfortable. If you see anything that alarms you, press the call button. I just started my shift so I’ll be here to help for a while.”

Alec nodded. While support and information were appreciated, he needed a moment. With his husband and his thoughts. The two seemed to understand, because after a few words of comfort and promises to be there for him they left.

And Alec... didn’t know what to do. He hated not knowing what to do. Slowly, determined to not accidentally make things worse, he sat down to a chair beside the bed. Then took Magnus’ hand and gave it a cautious squeeze. “I... I don’t know if you can hear me, but... I’m right here.” He cleared his throat when his voice threatened to break. He made a conscious decision to not let his gaze stray to where a blanket gave away a missing leg. “Whatever happens next... We’ll make it through, together. Like we always do. Whatever help you need, we’ll find it. So...” He wanted to wipe away the tear that escaped but couldn’t stop holding his beloved’s hand with both of his. He sniffled. “So I need you to fight, baby. I need you to stay with me. Because I can’t... I can’t lose you.” He shook his head at the unconscious man in front of him. “I won’t.”

The only sounds heard in the room were those coming from the machinery and Alec’s tiny sniffles while he fought like a warrior to stay strong.

/

Rafael was only nine but he was a smart kid. So he knew that something horrible was going on the moment he woke up later than he was supposed to and his parents weren’t there. His alarm grew when he found aunt Izzy from the kitchen and noticed how red her eyes were. She didn’t manage to greet him and Max with a smile. “Morning, you two.”

Max, who hadn’t even turned seven yet, was too young to read the alarm signs. The boy smiled like the sun. “Morning, aunt Izzy.” Max looked around. “Where are papa and daddy? What’s for breakfast?”

Izzy stopped trying to pretend that everything was okay, there. She swallowed hard. “Kids... Something really bad happened yesterday.”

Rafael held his breath the whole time. While Izzy explained that there’d been an accident. (Like a police officer explained that his mama-from-before was dead when he was six.) While Izzy explained that their papa was badly injured, and wasn’t awake at the moment. (Badly injured. Not dead, like mama-from-before. But what if...? What if...?) While Izzy explained that their papa was at a hospital and wasn’t able to wake up yet, so their daddy was there to keep an eye on him. (What if papa would die? What if their daddy would disappear, after, like dad-from-before did? What if...?)

What if he’d lose another family?

His papa and daddy loved him, they’d told him so many times and it took far too long before he believed them. He loved them back, so much that it scared him. Max, too, even though his little brother was stupid sometimes. He couldn’t lose them. He couldn’t lose this home he’d only just started to hope might be his forever-home.

Max burst into loud, miserable sobs and clung to Izzy with all his might while she did her best to console him. Rafael still couldn’t breathe. And he absolutely couldn’t cry. (Dad-from-before made sure that he knew how pathetic and useless crybabies were.) It was all too much on a child, so he did the only thing he could.

Rafael walked to his room and closed the door.

/

In the meantime Alec sat in front his boss, Jia Penhallow. She was notoriously merciless on those who crossed her and professional to a point of being a running joke. (Behind her back. No one would’ve dared to make fun of her to her face.) He’d dreaded how she’d react to his leave-request. He'd wondered if she’d fire him or yell. Empathy wasn’t high on the list of possible responses. (Well, she was called Harpy for a reason. Also behind her back.) “No one would expect you to be able to focus on work at a time like this. And I need doctors who have their head fully in the game. So right now your husband and sons need you more than I do.” She huffed when he remained paralyzed to his chair, but her eyes softened. “Go. Be there for your family. We’ll hold the fort until you return.” She rolled her eyes, subtly and briefly, when he still made no move to leave. “You’re dismissed.”

Alec pushed himself up with a shaky nod. “Thank you.” He wanted to say more but couldn’t.

Jia nodded back. “I’ve been in your situation, once”, she revealed. “If you need to talk, my door is open.” As though she hadn’t just said something big, she started to do paperwork. Before noticing that he was still there. “You may also use the door to leave.”

Alec took the hint.

Alec was even more grateful that he didn’t have to worry about his job when he got a message from Izzy. It was uncharacteristically curt, which suggested that she was preoccupied while typing it. ‘_The boys need you._’

Alec glanced helplessly at the elevator that would’ve taken him to the ICU. Instead he headed towards the exit. Feeling like he was torn in two while his heart ached in his chest.

/

Izzy wanted to go after Rafael. But she had her arms full of another, hysterical child. The older boy emerged from his room twenty minutes later, when Max’s sobs were subsiding. The state of Rafael’s knuckles suggested that he’d punched a wall several times and there was a horrible, empty look in his eyes. Izzy sighed heavily. “Rafe...”

“I’m making us breakfast. Someone has to make breakfast.” Rafael flinched momentarily and avoided eye-contact while freezing to the spot. “I’m sorry I interrupted you.” This was the way he was right after the adoption. Reserved, guarded, expecting punishment for even the smallest mistakes.

The regression broke Izzy’s heart. “It’s okay”, she promised as softly as she could. With Max still clinging to her she opened one arm. “Sweetheart, come here.”

Rafael didn’t notice her gesture or hear her invitation. Or pretended remarkably well that he didn’t. “I’m making us omelets”, the boy decided. And got to work like someone who was used to being the grownup of the household.

She sighed from relief when Alec came home. Max ran into his daddy’s arms, once again in tears. “Papa’s gonna be okay, right?” the boy begged. “He’s... He’s asleep. But he’ll wake up, and he’ll be just fine.”

Whatever Alec replied, it was so quiet that Izzy didn’t catch it. When Max retreated to his room Alec focused on Rafael with a frown on his face. “Rafe, what are you doing?”

“Making breakfast.” Rafael’s voice was incredibly tight. The boy’s eyes remained fixed firmly on the omelet. “Papa... He always makes breakfast, but... He’s not here, now.” For a second, just one, the child looked like a nine-year-old instead of a grownup. “So... Someone else has to. Or the social people may take Max and me away.”

Alec opened his mouth. "Rafael, I'll never let anyone take you and your brother away. I swear." His oldest didn't react and the doctor sighed. “I’ll set the table, then.”

An hour later Rafael was allowed to do the dishes after he’d begged desperately for it and Max had cried himself to sleep. Izzy found Alec from the balcony, leaning against the railing so heavily that his knuckles were white. “Rafe’s acting like that because he’s terrified of losing us. We already got past this phase once, and now...” He trailed off.

“I know.” Izzy wrapped one arm around him and leaned her head against him. “I also know that you’ve already heard the ‘if there’s anything I can do to help’ speech from too many people.”

Alec breathed in deep, appearing decades older than his actual age. “I don’t suppose you can wake me up from this nightmare?” He didn’t sound bitter, just heartbreakingly sad. “Because, unless you can... There isn’t much you can do.”

But there was. Izzy could stay there with him. So she did.

/

That evening bedtime in the Lightwood-Bane household was a somber affair. Max clung to Alec almost painfully tightly when they hugged each other goodnight. Just before closing the door the doctor caught his younger son’s whisper. “Goodnight, papa. I love you.”

Rafael announced, startlingly maturely and politely, that he was too old for hugs. Then lay down and turned his back towards the door. Just as Alec was leaving the room the child spoke up. “Dad?” (It always used to be ‘daddy’.) “You’re going to the hospital for the night, right?”

That... was a surprise. Alec wondered if Rafael heard him talking to Izzy. “Yeah.”

Rafael nodded. “Good. Hospitals are scary places. Papa needs someone looking after him.”

Alec managed to keep it together when Clary came to spend the night and watch over the kids. And when he took his place beside Magnus, who was still unresponsive and horribly injured. He couldn’t let himself fall apart. Because if he did, he didn’t know if he would’ve been able to pick up the pieces again.

It was a long, lonely and solemn night, the first of many.

/

The next five days passed by in a blur of horrible chaos. Rafael withdrew further and further into himself. Max had awful temper tantrums and sporadic episodes of clinginess, crying and angry screaming. And Magnus... Magnus wasn’t improving. The swelling in his brain was going down but far slower than the doctors treating him would’ve liked. Over the past couple of days he’d also developed a fever. It terrified Alec beyond all words. Because he knew that his husband likely wouldn’t survive an infection in his current condition.

If Alec had felt stretched thin before, it was a thousand times worse with the three people he cared about the most crashing simultaneously.

Alec himself survived with the aid of caffeine and fool’s hope. He still didn’t let himself break down, no matter how much he would’ve wanted to, because he couldn’t afford it. His family couldn’t afford it, they needed him to be at his strongest.

And then came one horrible evening.

Maryse babysat the boys that night, while Alec headed to the hospital again. He kissed Max’s cheek and wished goodnight to the silent lump under bedcovers he presumed was Rafael. Then he braced himself for seeing Magnus. (He felt like a horrible human being for needing to brace himself for seeing his husband. Even if a logical part of his brain messaged that there was a good reason for his reaction.)

Helen was working the nightshift. The look on her face nearly made his knees go weak in the worst way. “I was just about to call you.” She sighed heavily. “There have been... complications.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, man, this poor, poor family...! Keep fighting, Magnus! Your husband and boys need you! (sighs)
> 
> Sooooo... How was that? ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment makes my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	3. Breaking Points

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec receives some bad news about Magnus. And several members of the Lightwood-Bane family reach their breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a little disconcerting how quickly this chapter took shape. (chuckles nervously) Hopefully it turned out to be a decent one.
> 
> THANK YOU, a thousand times, for all your comments, love and support! You have NO IDEA how happy I am that you’ve all joined this insane ride. (HUGS) This story will be quite emotional. Let’s hope that we AND the Malec family will make it through.
> 
> Okay... Are you ready? Because here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Alec fought a mighty battle to breathe through what was told to him. “Magnus... had seizures?” As in, several of them?

Helen nodded and gave him a second longer before explaining further. “The first started...” She checked the time. “... twenty-eight minutes ago, and lasted roughly two minutes. I was just about to call you when another one began. We got it under control just before you arrived.”

Alec blinked once, very slowly. His eyes were blurry and stung when he opened them again. “Okay”, was all he managed to squeeze out of the million things his brain screamed.

The sympathy on Helen’s face suggested that she understood. “Further tests will tell more, but it’s likely that despite medication his intercranial pressure is increasing again. Which means that he’ll need a shunt to bring it down.” She would’ve told him that the seizures would stop there but they both knew that there was no certainty. A few moments passed by in a silence. “We’re also worried about his newest CRP value. It’s very high, and a chest x-ray will probably confirm pneumonia. A doctor will start him on antibiotics as soon as we’re sure.”

Alec was a doctor himself. But those words and what they meant barely registered. The thing was, he didn’t want them to make sense.

Because they meant that Magnus’ prognosis had just darkened.

Helen knew better than to touch him. But she leaned slightly closer for support. “Alec, I’m so sorry...”

Alec shook his head firmly, not wanting to listen. He didn’t want to hear apologies, he didn’t want to hear and see defeat. He wanted... He needed...

/ _“... you’re pretty ...”_ /

/ _They kissed for the first time at the end of their first date. In the middle of the street in pouring rain, because a red light kept them from making it to Magnus’ apartment before the temptation got too much. They were both a bit too eager, trembled from cold and want. It was perfect. It was also Alec’s first kiss ever, and he knew immediately that he never wanted to kiss anyone else._ /

/ _Alec had heard from far too many people that... first times are hardly ever perfect. Or even pleasant. He begged to differ, despite moments of discomfort. The way their bodies fit together... The way they moved in perfect sync, enjoying one another... It was exhilarating, electrifying. Alec had never felt such a deep connection with another human being. The bonding only continued when they lay side by side, after, both exhausted but sated and happy. Safe in each other’s arms._ /

/ _Alec probably should’ve realized that he was falling in love far sooner than he did. Because there were about a million little things he loved about the dancer. One winter evening Magnus took him skating, and Alec had the grace of a full-grown bull at a china store. He stumbled on bravely. Until his poor balance took down them both. Magnus landed under him and hit his head on ice quite hard. Every minute until the older man opened his eyes again was pure torture on Alec. And that was when he knew. He sputtered those three words as soon as Magnus woke up._ /

/ _“I love you.”_ /

“Alec, you need to breathe.” Helen’s worried voice barely registered. “Alec, focus on breathing.”

_I love you. I love you. I love you._ What if those were the last words he’d ever get to speak to Magnus with his husband awake? What if he’d never get to talk with Magnus again?

Someone touched Alec’s shoulder. It felt like a flame brushing him and eventually the agony centered to his chest, curled around his heart. The doctor pounced up, would’ve shouted if he’d had enough air in his lungs for it.

Darkness greeted him almost immediately after.

/

Max’s school was aware of Magnus’... situation. When they couldn’t get a hold of Alec, either, they tried contact number three. Which belonged to Maryse. That her oldest didn't pick up worried her. Especially after the message she just got from Jace. (‘_I think Alec got bad news about Magnus. I’m with him at the hospital._’ Something told her that she wasn’t given the full truth.) Maryse sighed heavily while sitting to her car with a visibly seething, teary eyed child. “Max...”

“Tom deserved it”, Max proclaimed firmly and sniffled while folding his arms to his chest.

“I’m sure he did. But that still doesn’t make it okay to hit someone in the face.” Maryse couldn’t believe that she was having this conversation with a boy who usually shone like the sun. “Whatever he said or did...”

“He said that ‘your faggot dad’s going to die’.” Max’s voice broke long before the horrible sentence had been voiced. Fresh tears traveled down his cheeks while heartbroken eyes met hers. “But he won’t. Right, grandma?”

Maryse wished, desperately, that she would’ve been able to tell him that everything would be okay. But the truth was that no one knew what’d happen next. “He has the best care. And with you, your daddy and Rafe... He’s going to fight with absolutely everything he has to recover.”

“Even if I’m just an adopted fake-brat?”

Alright, this time Maryse wanted to punch someone in the face. “Did Tom say that, too?” She went on when Max nodded solemnly. “Well, in that case he’s stupid. Because there’s nothing fake about you and Rafe being your parents’ sons or my grandkids.”

Max nodded again and fought visibly to draw comfort from her words. She held him readily when he basically dove into her arms, quickly wetting her clothes with his tears. “Can we get ice-cream?”

Maryse sighed while caressing his hair. “No, because you did hit someone. We’re going home, and you can choose any movie you like for us to watch together.”

Max chewed his lower lip. The boy used a fist to wipe his cheek. “So dad’s gonna stay at the hospital with papa?” he inquired quietly.

“Yeah”, was the best Maryse could offer.

Before she could find out how Max felt about the matter her phone started ringing again. She groaned upon noticing that the call was from Rafael’s teacher. How much could go wrong for a family in one day? “Maryse Garroway”, she greeted stiffly.

Apparently Rafael got a B from his math test. The boy threw up, then started crying hysterically and didn’t seem able to stop. By the time Maryse got to the school nurse’s office he was mortified, grief stricken and miserable. He swallowed hard and blanched further upon seeing her, clearly expecting punishment. “Grandma, I’m...”

Maryse shook her head. “Hush, now. You haven’t done anything you’d need to be sorry about. Let’s get out of here.”

Rafael followed her slowly and hesitantly. The distance he left between them seemed deliberate. It broke her heart. Neither said a word on the way to her car.

Usually Max took the front seat whenever he could. That day was a different story. As soon as Rafael had sat down and tensely fastened his seatbelt Max crawled to the backseat. The younger brother took the older’s hand and held on desperately. Rafael returned the grasp after moment of surprise. It was the first time they ever held hands. They didn’t let go until they were home.

/

Alec didn’t know long he was out. He came to hearing the already too familiar sounds of machinery. As soon as the fog filling his head cleared, he identified a new beep. Shortly after his eyes managed to distinguish Jace’s sad, tired face.

“You had a really bad anxiety attack. Your heart was also out of whack, so you need to be monitored for a little while.” Jace frowned. “They said something about... stress cardiomyopathy. Is it something serious? Because it sounded serious.”

Alec’s heart ached when he recognized the diagnosis. He swallowed hard against the lump rising to his throat. “Broken heart syndrome”, he explained quietly. “No, it’s not serious.” Just stupidly, cruelly befitting.

Jace’s eyes filled with sorrow but the man refrained from commenting. For a time. “That name... might explain something.” His brother sighed heavily and ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. “This doctor, I can’t remember her name, mentioned that you should talk to someone. A professional. I agree.”

Alec narrowed his eyes. Even if he lay in a hospital bed. “I’m fine. And I don’t have time to waste on talking to shrinks”, he hissed. He was furious with himself. His family needed him to stay strong, damned it, and he...! The thought of his husband crossed his mind and the beeping closest to him intensified. “Magnus...!”

“... is in capable hands. The whole staff of this ward is doing everything they can to help him.” The look on Jace’s face communicated clearly how glum things seemed at the moment. The blonde nodded towards something on his other side. “Helen... used her connections and got Penhallow’s approval for your bed being placed here. Apparently it’s against a lot of protocols, but you wouldn’t have been able to calm down at all anywhere else.”

Still a little dizzy, Alec turned his gaze. His heart lurched and soared when he discovered that his bed had been dragged right next to Magnus’. He almost smiled, until it sunk in properly that his beloved still wasn’t awake. And there was a new shunt on the shaved head.

Somewhere in the distance Jace was trying to get his attention. “What happened, anyway? And what’s that thing on Magnus’ head? No one’s telling me anything...”

Alec had been hanging on tooth and nail to stay strong. He’d locked up a mountain of emotions deep inside. Perhaps it was because of medication. Or maybe he’d just had his fill, and couldn’t cope with the pain anymore.

The first sobs were quiet. But the more he tried to stop them the more the volume increased. Before long he was crying so hard that he could barely breathe.

Jace helped him to a sitting position and wrapped a pair of firm but tender arms around him while he crashed entirely. In his brother’s arms Alec wept from the bottom of his heart and soul, like he hadn’t even as a kid. When he had no more tears left he continued to whimper, the weight of the world impossibly heavy on his shoulders.

In that overwhelming moment it was only understandable that neither brother noticed how for a few moments, Magnus’ heartrate sped up.

/

Helen wasn’t surprised when she heard that Alec basically discharged himself later that evening. Especially after Jace and Izzy, who also stopped by, revealed that the boys had a horrible day. The three Lightwood-Banes were struggling horribly. Of course Alec needed to go home, ready or not.

Helen was just about to enter the room to check up on Magnus. She froze to the doorway when she heard Alec whispering to the still unconscious man. “I’m... I’m so sorry, that I can’t keep it together. You and the kids... I’m failing you all.” The younger man wiped his eyes. “I’m trying, Magnus. I’m trying so damned hard, but... I need you. We need you. So, please...!” Alec’s voice cracked and vanished. He kissed the injured man’s knuckles. “Please, don’t go. You’re probably tired, and in pain, but... We need you to stay with us.”

Helen couldn’t stand listening anymore. Not that it would’ve been any of her business, anyway. When she came back Alec was pulling on his coat to leave. (It was incredible, in the worst way, how small someone so tall could seem.) “Are you okay?” she asked softly.

Alec opened his mouth. Then shook his head. Even a fool would’ve been able to tell how hard it was for him to leave. “If anything changes...”

“I’ll call you”, she swore. “Now go home. Your troupes await.”

Once the distraught man had gone she focused on Magnus. “Did you hear that? The poor thing’s heart is breaking.” Literally. She brushed the unconscious man’s feverish cheek gently with her hand. “You need to fight through this, Magnus. Your family can’t lose you.”

It was over so quickly that she couldn’t be sure, but she could’ve sworn that Magnus frowned.

/

Rafael tensed up when their dad came home and their grandma left. He expected the man to yell because of the stupid, easy test he messed up. Or because Max, apparently, punched someone. His heart pounded when their dad invited them to the kitchen and sat them down. Was this the part where they’d be sent away?

“Here’s the thing...” The man breathed in deep. “I was... away today because I haven’t been handling your papa’s accident well. And from what I’ve heard of your day, you haven’t been doing well, either.” A solemn pair of eyes went from one child to another. “I’m not mad at you, or disappointed. But we need to talk, because we haven’t been good at that lately.” When they didn’t speak their dad did. “My heart hurts, because I miss your papa being home so much.”

Max swallowed loudly, his eyes downcast. “I’m sad. And angry.”

Their dad nodded. “So am I”, the man admitted. Then looked towards him. “What about you, Rafe?”

Rafael froze. Before this home no one had asked him how he felt, because no one had cared. How was he supposed to express something that couldn’t be put to words? He gulped convulsively. “I’m scared”, he whispered at last.

Rafael expected great many negative things to happen next. Instead of those their dad pulled him and Max to a hug. The three of them clung to each other tightly, all too aware that there should’ve been four of them.

After that they spent one hour of each day talking and sharing their feelings before Alec headed to the hospital.

/

If someone would’ve asked Alec later how he and the kids made it through the next six days, he would’ve had no idea. On day two they went to see a therapist whose name Catarina gave him. Max was atypically shy and quiet, possibly nervous that he’d say the wrong thing. Rafael asked her, point-blank, if she’d tell the social people to take him and Max away if she didn’t like his answers. Alec wanted to believe that the meeting helped both kids. Once the children had been sent to another room to play a video game, the therapist focused on him. And opened their talk with the most healing thing he’d heard since Magnus’ accident. “I can tell that needing help bothers you, but it shouldn’t. You’ve been doing better than anyone could expect.” (Except for Alec himself...) “Magnus is going to be proud of you.”

Of course he’d heard that from others, but the statement coming from an unbiased stranger nearly made him cry for the second time in a week.

Alec did his best to keep himself and his family together. Even if each passing day made it harder. Especially number three, when Magnus had another seizure. At least the swelling in his brain went down, infuriatingly slowly but surely. Unfortunately it took even longer before the antibiotics began to work. On day five pneumonia had finally been almost fully defeated. That same evening Magnus’ primary doctor sat Alec down.

“I don’t want to get your hopes up too soon”, she cautioned. “But Magnus is ready to be extubated. And if all looks good tomorrow, we’ll lower the dosage of sedatives.”

Alec’s heart thudded. It took very, very long before he found his voice. “So... He’s going to...” He didn't dare to finish.

“We’re giving Magnus the chance to wake up.” There was cautious hope in the other doctor’s eyes. “What happens next is up to him.”

/

Time dragged after that. Hours turned to a full day. Eventually two and a half days had passed by. Apart from a few frowns and grunts Magnus hadn’t shown signs of waking up. Doctors and nurses convinced Alec that there was progress, sometimes coming back just took time. It was hard to be comforted when he was anxious to see his husband conscious again.

Alec waited, and waited. Because he was determined to be the first thing Magnus saw. But he was only human. Eventually, after not sleeping for several days, he nodded off. It wasn’t a surprise that he dreamed of being in his own bed, with his beloved in his arms.

Alec woke up, barely, to the tiniest movement. He shook his head to clear it and expected to find a morning shift nurse. His heart skipped a beat at what awaited instead.

Magnus’ eyes were bleary but half-open, and they were fixed on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who broke down with Alec? And/or Rafael? (sniffles) Those poor darlings! Now, Magnus’ eyes are open. But seeing the amount of chapters left, it seems that we’re at the beginning of healing... (gulps)
> 
> Sooooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Every comment makes my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that.
> 
> Take care!


	4. Missing Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus wakes up. And the family finally breathes easily. How long will the peace get to last?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Saturday. Which means that it’s time to update. (rubs hands together) Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! They mean more to me than you’ll ever know. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... Because I left you on a bit of a cliffie, let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Alec held his breath while Magnus stared at him. First blankly, then with a frown. With the type of injury his husband suffered brain damage was entirely possible. What if Magnus wouldn’t recognize him? What if...?

“... ‘xander ...?” After a sluggish blink number five (which Alec counted) Magnus found a tiny hint of his voice. The man tried to sit but gave up with a groan and a scowl when his chest area was aggravated. “... what ...?”

Alec swallowed hard, wondering how much he could reveal without it being too much. Talking was also difficult through the lump that’d settled to his throat. “You were in a car accident and got hurt pretty badly.” Unable to hold himself back for another second, he took his husband’s hand. His eyes grew watery the second his grip was returned. At last. “You have a lot of recovering to do, but... You’ll be alright, I swear.”

Magnus’ frown deepened still. The hand that wasn’t in his hold rose to caress his cheek gently. “... okay?”

Alec couldn’t quite contain his sniffles anymore, no matter how hard he tried. He attempted to claim that he was perfectly fine. But those words refused to roll off his tongue. He shook his head, over and over again. “You almost... I almost lost you”, he choked out.

Magnus didn’t have enough energy for more words. Fueled by stubbornness, the man used one arm to pull him closer. A pair of lips, a little chapped but soothingly familiar, brushed his cheek. Kissing away tears Alec was only just becoming aware of. He wanted to hug Magnus tightly but feared that the still healing chest area would’ve made that agonizing. Instead he lifted the hand in his grasp and gave each knuckle a peck. The longest he gifted to the finger that couldn’t have its special ring at a hospital.

After that the emotional turmoil got a bit too much on Alec. Needing to hide his face seconds before he broke down entirely, he leaned quite heavily on his husband’s stomach and grabbed the other’s hospital gown so hard that his fingers turned white. Magnus continued to caress his hair tenderly until the man fell asleep.

For the first time in over two weeks Alec could breathe properly.

Alec didn’t even try to keep track of time after that. He kept a steady hold of Magnus, comforted by the knowledge that his husband was only sleeping, not unconscious. Eventually he dozed off, too. 

/

The whole Lightwood family was in an agreement that Alec shouldn’t be left alone at the hospital for long. They knew how bad off he was after Max’s death, while trying anxiously to support others. And Magnus... They didn’t want to imagine Alec without him, for even a second. Because it’d be a loss he wouldn’t survive, at least as himself.

Izzy braced herself for great many things on her way from her workplace at the morgue to the ICU. Her chest clenched and she almost dropped the takeaway coffees she carried when she saw her brother sitting on a bench, wiping his eyes. Then she realized that the tears he fought back were those of joy.

Alec’s eyes shone from tears and happiness when they met hers. “He... He woke up, Iz. Magnus woke up and talked to me.”

Izzy decided that it was time to ditch the coffee. She tossed the mugs aside, not really caring where they ended up. Then she pulled her brother to a tight embrace. Which he returned with equal vigor. She could practically feel the relief radiating from him.

Of course they knew, even in that moment of euphoria, that the path ahead wouldn’t be easy. And that Magnus was far from alright. But this... This was a small victory. Alec deserved a moment to enjoy it.

/

“Magnus?” The woman’s voice seemed to echo from somewhere far away. “I’m Dr. Gray, feel free to call me Tessa. Now that you’ve decided to join us, I’d like to examine you. Then you can go back to sleep.”

Magnus felt tempted to continue sleeping right away but decided that he’d already done far too much of that. With a ridiculous amount of effort he wrestled his eyes open. At first the figure above him was blurry but eventually he managed to distinguish a penlight.

The doctor smiled at him. “Hello there. Can you follow this light with your gaze for me?” He obeyed, and she nodded approvingly when they were done. “Do you know where you are?”

“Hospital.” Magnus hated being questioned like that, even if he understood logically why it was all necessary. “Alec said... ‘re was an accident?” He groaned from frustration at how hard it was to find the words. What was wrong with him?

Dr. Gray squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t worry about your speech, you only just woke up.” She gave him some time to compose himself before continuing. “Do you remember anything about the accident?”

Magnus shook his head. And regretted it when the world spun despite him laying down. His last coherent memory was of kissing Alec goodbye before his beloved headed to work. How much was he missing? How long did he keep Alec worrying? He wanted to ask but couldn’t quite vocalize his troubled thoughts.

“It's okay to not remember the crash. It’s not exactly the kind of a memory you need.” Dr. Gray made some notes. “I noticed that your blood pressure spiked. Are you in pain?”

“No.” Magnus was hurting all over. But he didn’t want her to give him anything that’d confuse him even further. “I’m fine.”

Dr. Gray, who’d clearly heard about his legendary stubbornness, gave him a small smile. “Try to get some more rest, it’ll help you recover faster. I’ll tell your hubby that he can come back in before he walks a hole to the hallway.”

Magnus smirked, the best as he could, anyway. Hubby? He liked that word.

A few moments later Alec dashed into the room before Tessa had enough time to leave. She’d never seen a kiss quite as beautiful and intimate as the one the men exchanged. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop but caught the whispered words, anyway.

“I love you”, Alec breathed out. “I thought I’d never get to tell you again.”

Magnus nuzzled his shaved head against his husband. “... 'love you, too. ... not getting rid of me that easily.”

/

Rafael had developed a sixth sense of knowing when adults were keeping secrets from him. And uncle Jace was pretty bad at keeping secrets. The question was, would this be a good or a bad secret?

He got his answer when his dad came home. With a pizza-box and the kind of a grin he hadn’t seen in over two weeks. It was the kind of a smile only his papa was able to spark.

“Pizza dinner!” Max squealed.

“That’s right”, their dad affirmed, ruffling the younger boy’s hair. “Because we have a reason to celebrate today. Your papa finally woke up from his beauty sleep.”

Rafael fled the room as quickly as he could. Because he didn’t want his tears to be seen. It was the first time in his life he cried with happiness.

Maybe he wasn’t doomed to lose this home, after all.

/

Tessa told Alec that Magnus would probably sleep for several hours, perhaps until the following morning. She couldn’t possibly know that Magnus had always defied expectations. So of course he started to wake up again faster than anyone expected.

He had only a very vague idea of what the heck happened to him. And of how much damage, exactly, had been done. He forgot to ask if it was safe to move. But he really, seriously wanted to try sitting, because he was stiff, sore and restless.

Hospital beds are wonderous things, Magnus decided with the help of strong pain medication. One press of a button made his efforts considerably easier. Sitting for the first time in... he had no idea how long, Magnus examined himself. In seconds his face twisted to what he presumed was a scowl.

His head and chest hurt, even with whatever medication he was on. He brushed his scalp delicately and decided to shift his attention elsewhere as soon as he realized that his hair had been shaved. Just how bad was the pummeling his thick skull received?

Not wanting to think about that further, he inspected lower areas. In a flash he noticed that his chest and ribcage were still covered in bruising of various colors. Glancing lower still, the dancer watched with a shudder of disgust how urine traveled to a bag. Vain, perhaps, but he hoped dearly that such an arrangement was only temporary.

Then, inevitably, his gaze strayed even lower. Towards his legs. His brows furrowed when he registered the empty space where his right leg was supposed to be.

_What...?_

The cold that filled Magnus... It took his breath away. His hand trembled pitiably while he gathered all his courage and grabbed the blanket. Then pulled it aside.

It was one of those moments when time stood still. Magnus stared at the meticulously wrapped stump. For a moment his mind convinced him that it wasn’t his own mangled body. Until he reached out to touch the stump and reality sunk in like a knife.

His leg was really, actually gone.

His career was over.

He’d never perform again.

One of his greatest joys in the world was destroyed.

Magnus stared, and stared. Willing himself to wake up from the nightmare. Until he realized that he couldn’t, never would. Under the weight of that realization he did the only thing he could.

He screamed.

/

Alec could sense that something was wrong the second he entered the ward. Chills went down his spine when a young nurse he'd only seen once before rushed to him. Her eyes were wide and full of worry. “We were just about to call you. Magnus woke up and found out about the amputation.” That was all she needed to say.

Moving as fast as he could, Alec dashed to his beloved’s room. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the empty bed. And broke when he explored further and discovered Magnus on the floor. There were nauseating smudges of blood around the fallen man from where the stump had been harmed. Physical pain very clearly didn’t register. Face buried to his hands and fingers tangled to his hair, Magnus struggled to drag in wheezing breaths. A male nurse attempted to get the hysterical man’s attention but obviously wasn’t making any progress.

Alec approached the love of his life with no hesitation, the need to protect him stronger than anything else. The second he pulled the smaller man to his arms the nurse fled hurriedly. The doctor barely noticed. “Magnus, calm down.” He swallowed thickly when the only response he got was a muffled cry. “Baby, you have to calm down.” 

Magnus’ fingers tangled to his shirt with the despair of a drowning man. “They... They took my... I lost my...”

“I know. And I’m so sorry”, Alec sighed. By then there were tears running down his own cheeks. He pulled Magnus even closer when it felt like the man was falling apart physically. “Shh, it’ll be okay... Shh...”

It was impossible to tell if Magnus even heard him. His husband cried, like Alec had seen him break down only once or twice before, pitiable whimpers coming out after there wasn’t enough breath for proper sobs. 

Slowly and tenderly Alec picked up Magnus, who was lighter than before with the missing limb. With utmost care he maneuvered them to the bed, his hold on one of the three pieces of his world never faltering. It didn’t take long before the injured man passed out from how overwhelmed he was.

Alec didn’t stop his soothing murmuring for even a second. “Shh... It’ll be okay.” Oh, how he wanted to believe that...! “It’ll all be okay.”

He liked to think that Magnus heard him, because despite his current state the man’s hold on him tightened.

/

When Magnus woke up the fogginess of his head gave away that he’d been medicated quite heavily. He cared less than he’d expected. Dull phantom pain radiated from his amputated leg. The arms wrapped around him helped chase some of it away.

“Hey.” Alec kissed the side of his head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Magnus shook his head as firmly as he could without starting to feel sick. He knew that he’d have to talk, eventually. But not yet.

“I don’t like where your head seems to be right now.” Alec tightened his hold on him and he did his best to draw comfort from it. “When you feel up to it, we’ll call home. It’ll do us all good.”

Magnus closed his eyes and nodded, too tired in several ways to speak up.

It was ironic, wasn’t it? To be safely in the arms of the man he loved. And still wait desperately to wake up from a nightmare.

/

It took another few hours before Magnus was ready for the phone call. Alec held his husband’s hand supportively while putting the call on a speaker as soon as it was accepted. “_Daddy, aunt Clary said that I don’t have to go to bed yet because you have a surprise_”, Max greeted. Curious and excited for the first time in far too long.

Magnus’ eyes softened and regained some of the light they’d lost. The man’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “Hey, Little Blueberry.”

Shock silenced Max for exactly three seconds. “_Papa!_” It was easy to hear how thrilled the boy was. (Someone would take ages to fall asleep that night. Alec experienced a bang of sympathy for Clary.) “_Papa, papa, papa...!_” For a while that was all the child managed to utter. “_You slept too long._” It didn’t sound like an accusation.

Which didn’t make it easier to hear. Magnus sighed. “’m so sorry. ... ‘wanted to wake up sooner, but I couldn’t.” The parent and child both needed a second. Especially because saying so much was almost more than the ailing man had energy for. “I had dreams of you all the time. And of daddy, too.”

“_Really?_” Max inquired, quietly but elatedly.

“’course. Good dreams.” Magnus seemed to strain to speak as clearly as possible. “’made sleeping so long less scary.”

“_Good._” Max hesitated uncharacteristically. “_Are you okay? You sound funny._”

Alec had hard time concealing a grimace. Magnus’ speech was still slurred and slow. He’d been hoping that the kids and his beloved wouldn’t notice. No amount of soothing touches chased away the tension the innocent question and comment sparked. “I will be”, Magnus murmured eventually, hoarse, embarrassed, frustrated, exhausted and pained.

Alec was tempted to cut the phone call short, before it’d do more harm than good. That was when Rafael joined in. “_Papa? When are you coming home?_”

That question was agonizing. But it was nothing on Magnus’ reaction to it – or rather, to Rafael’s voice. The man blanched even further, eyes widening while becoming panicked. A few moments later Magnus’ whole frame was trembling.

Alec had no idea what was going on. But he knew that he needed to put an end to the call. “Rafe, everything’s alright, but I need to hang up now, okay? I’ll be there when you wake up in the morning, I promise.”

Max protested. Rafael said nothing. Alec hoped dearly that Clary would manage to calm down them both enough to help them sleep. His attention then locked on Magnus. “Hey, what’s...?”

“... ‘was that?” Magnus looked at him like someone who’d just seen a ghost. “... second kid ... Who was he?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, no...! So yeah, they needed a moment of peace and happiness. Because this... is probably gonna hurt. (winces) Poor little family! And oh, crap, this is gonna crush Rafe.
> 
> Soooo... How was that? ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	5. A Fractured Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus continues to struggle with adjusting to his new reality and limitations. Alec and Rafael aren’t having it much easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, guys, this story is BACK! I’m so, so sorry that it’s taken me this long! But I promise, no unfinished story of mine is abandoned until I officially announce so. (smiles apologetically and HUGS) Does anyone still remember this? I hope that you’ll be happy about this one’s return even after reading this chapter...
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! It’s thanks to you I managed to keep the spark for continuing this one alive. (HUGS) Words can’t express how much you being there for me means to me.
> 
> Awkay, then. Are you ready? I really hope so...! Because here we go. I’m sorry...?

Magnus felt like he was held under water while he listened to Alec, eyes fixed on the opposite wall. “Rafael sneaked to your dance studio one cold winter night. You found him sleeping there, and... Well, we decided almost immediately that he’s ours.” It was all told with the kind of paternal love that’d already showed itself once. When baby-Max was abandoned to the hospital by his nineteen-year-old drug-addict birthmother.

Alec tried to show a picture from his phone but Magnus was too ashamed and overwhelmed to look at it. The dancer closed his eyes and tried very hard to breathe properly. “How long?” How much time had he lost? How many precious memories? What kind of a parent was he, to forget his own son? He wanted to scream from frustration when the words got tangled together and were nearly impossible to spew out coherently. “... long ‘s he been ours?”

Alec frowned before finally figuring out what he meant and answering tentatively. “He’s been our son for a year and seven months.” The full weight of those words crashed down on them both simultaneously.

Magnus struggled to make sense of everything. It was like getting sucked into an alternative reality. Like waking up from long sleep, to find that someone else had been living his life while he slept.

Someone else had watched Max grow up for over a year and a half.

Someone else had another son, Rafael.

Someone else got into an accident and...

“Magnus, baby.” Alec’s voice reached him with a great deal of difficulty. “Your blood pressure’s really high right now and you’re not breathing properly. I’m calling in your doctor, okay?”

Magnus nodded absentmindedly, his mind in at least ten horrible places at the same time. When Alec lay a hand on his shoulder he clung to it and kissed the man’s knuckles. It was just a tiny, comfortingly familiar moment they both needed more than they’d realized. Far too soon he had to break it, though, because it was infuriatingly hard to breathe and his chest hurt horribly. He clawed at it almost convulsively and wheezed, wanting to tear the hospital gown suffocating him to shreds, aching to get rid of the invisible weight sitting on his ribcage. His heart raced, his head throbbed and he couldn’t breathe. Magnus recognized, in some distant part of his head, what was happening but it didn’t make him feel any less like he was dying.

Suddenly there were hands on him and people were talking to him, trying to get his attention. A doctor he belatedly recognized as Andrew and a nurse he didn’t think he’d ever seen before bustled around him. Told him to breathe, tried to get him to calm down. Magnus barely noticed them because he was desperately trying to catch Alec’s eyes. Unfortunately other people were blocking the view and there was nothing he could do to express his need. First there wasn’t enough air in his lungs for words, then an oxygen mask was crammed at his face. By then a nurse who just burst in was telling Alec to step outside to not distress ‘the patient’ further and the tall man obeyed, walked away with his shoulders slumped in defeat. Magnus didn’t catch Andrew berating the nurse as he watched his beloved go in helpless frustration. Their eyes never met.

He wanted to run after Alec, to hold him in his arms to make that grief weighing on the doctor go away and never let go. Then he wanted to call home and tell his son – _sons_ – how much he loved them and that he’d be home soon. He wanted to erase all this pain he was putting them through. He wanted to be the partner and parent they deserved. He wanted to be able to look after them and himself. He wanted himself back.

_Look at you, a stuttering mess without a limb who can’t even remember his child. They deserve so much better than you_, a nasty voice in the back of his head sneered. Such he hadn’t heard in a very long time. And he found himself listening.

“Magnus?” Andrew’s voice wasn’t the one he would’ve wanted to hear but at least it was a friendly one. “Are you feeling better? Do you need a sedative?”

“... am fine ...” Maybe he’d believe himself if he repeated that enough. “Alec”, was all he managed to force out. _Bring him back. Tell him to go home. I don’t know what I want. Make sure that he’s okay. Do something!_

Andrew seemed to understand, to an extend. “He’s right outside and I’ll send him in soon. But right now you both need a breather.” The doctor searched his face with a frown. “What happened just now?”

Magnus looked down, to discover that one of his hands was fisted so tightly that his knuckles were white and nails dug into skin hard enough to draw blood. The shame he experienced just then was crushing. “... forgot my own son ...”

/

After getting kicked out of the room Alec found whatever strength had been holding him upright draining. He slumped to the nearest chair and buried his face to his hands. The urge to cry was almost unbearable.

Rafael’s adoption wasn’t the only thing that’d happened over the past year and seven months. After coming to the conclusion that their family was whole, he and Magnus finally took a massive step. Because of his job the doctor had gotten used to holding his ring in a necklace above his heart but it didn’t lessen the magnitude of his commitment. Their wedding day was one of the best days of his whole life.

And now Magnus had no idea that they were married.

Andrew sat beside him slowly, with a heavy sigh. “So... Over a year and a half, huh?” His friend knew exactly how many beautiful things that time contained. He was at their wedding, after all, met his now-fiancé Lorenzo there.

“Do you think he’ll regain those memories?” Alec inquired quietly.

“You know I can’t answer that. No one can.” Andrew shrugged helplessly, he could tell even if he didn’t look. “We’ll just have to wait and see how much his brain can bounce back.” They both knew what those bleak words meant. The memory loss, difficulties with speaking and seizures might never go away entirely.

Alec exhaled, then inhaled. It shuddered. “How... How am I supposed to tell Rafael?”

“You’ll find the words after you’ve calmed down a little.” A pause followed. “You and the boys are still seeing that therapist, right?” Andrew went on at his nod. “Good. I... think I’ll ask one of our psychiatrists to meet up with Magnus as soon as possible.”

Alec huffed. Half affectionately, half exasperatedly. “He’s already saying that he’s fine, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

Alec sighed and lifted his gaze so that he was staring at the ceiling. The hallway’s lights hurt his eyes. (Or maybe it was something else that made them sting.) “Magnus... never really had anyone looking after him when he grew up. So he raised himself, became furiously independent and made it his mission to look after others. He’s the one who gave me the courage to come out. And he’s always been the parent our boys run to when they need to be comforted. Especially Rafael.” Alec swallowed against the lump in his throat but it didn’t go anywhere. “He... He’s going to hate this, Andrew. All of this.” No matter how much Magnus might recover, the miserable fact stood that he’d never be the same person again. His speech would improve but would he be the smooth-talking devil who charmed everyone with just a few words? Eventually, hopefully, he’d be able to walk with a prosthetic leg. But his brain would likely never function properly and he’d never perform again. He’d never dance again and to the man Alec loved that was like losing a piece of his soul.

A sudden surge of panic took Alec’s breath away. “I... I have to go back...”

“Maybe not yet.” Andrew’s voice was somehow firm and gentle all at once. “You’re on the verge of a panic attack and I don’t like how pale you just got. If you go to Magnus right now it’ll do either of you no good. So you’re going to sit right there while I get you a bottle of water, which you’ll actually drink. Take a moment to hate the world before going back in.”

Alec smiled wryly. “Hating the world? I’ll drink to that.”

/

Magnus wasn’t sure how much time passed. He felt utterly drained and empty, to a point where he didn’t even care if he’d been medicated. His chest area, back, head and _everything_ hurt.

When someone sat to the bed’s edge he knew instinctively who it was. His fingers curled reflexively around the large hand grabbing his. “We’re going to make it through this.” Did Alec honestly believe that or was it something the man attempted to tell himself? “It won’t be easy, but we will. I promise.”

Magnus wanted to believe Alec. Wanted nothing more than to anchor his chaotic thoughts and aching heart on the warmth of that promise. At the moment he was too drained for anything such. To not cause Alec even more pain than he already had he nodded and kissed the hand caressing his face. Then he finally lifted his gaze enough to see his beloved’s face and felt a twinge in his chest.

When was the last time Alec slept properly? The doctor was as handsome as always but the dark circles around his bloodshot eyes, such that had a haunted look in them... The paleness of the man’s strained face... Magnus brushed Alec’s cheek gently and for a stolen moment felt warm when the other closed his eyes and leaned to the touch. “... go home. Sleep. The boys need you.” He didn’t dare to even imagine how hard this all was on the kids.

Alec frowned. “Magnus, you just had a panic attack and I can tell that your chest still hurts.” (Well, a panic attack with a broken sternum wasn’t fun.) “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Alec was right, of course. Magnus’ chest ached horribly from where bruised and broken bone complained about his recent frantic gasping. He could handle that, though. Everything else... he needed to process. Alone, without worrying about falling apart in front of someone. “... need one parent to come home”, he insisted. Having him in a hospital was already traumatizing. How would the boys feel if they woke up and Alec wasn’t home, either?

Alec clearly hated the idea of going but was forced to admit that he had a point. “I’ll come back tomorrow morning.” They shared a sweet little kiss. (Alec tasted of coffee and home in a way that nearly made Magnus whimper. He dreaded to imagine what he tasted like.) “Try to get some sleep.”

Magnus nodded. Small as he kept it, it made the world spin and nausea roll in the pit of his stomach. “... you too.”

Magnus didn’t watch Alec leave. (So he didn’t see the man peering over his shoulder, not for the first time torn agonizingly between all the family members needing him.) He curled up the best as he could and tried his hardest to juggle with everything that’d been slammed at him since he woke up to this new reality.

Magnus’ last coherent memory of his old life was kissing Alec goodbye before the man headed to work. Now he began to realize that he’d never be that man again. What would happen when Alec would realize that, too? Previous partners had left him for so much less.

Perhaps it was a relief that just then his leg started to really bother him. The amputated one. He attempted to groan but it came out as a pained whimper. How do you soothe hurt in something that no longer exists? Desperate to do something, anything, he scratched and clawed at his stump, too out of it to worry about making things worse. The flame like discomfort grew and lessened in awful waves, teasing him and never going away.

That was how Magnus spent the night, only stopping the motions while a nurse visited and medicated him. She told him gently to rest but he couldn’t. Because he would’ve started dreaming of being home with Alec and Max, of dancing on a stage. He was a partner and a papa, he didn’t want to go to sleep wishing he wouldn’t have to wake up.

/

That night Rafael woke up needing to use the bathroom. He yawned and left the comfort of his bed reluctantly, then began to tiptoe towards the toilet. Halfway there he froze at what he saw on the balcony.

His daddy stood there with his grandma. Crying while she hugged him and whispered comforting words, appearing distraught herself. Even a child could see how heartbroken his daddy was.

It terrified Rafael more than he would’ve cared to admit. Things were supposed to be improving. His papa was awake. There was supposed to be no need to be sad anymore. Did something go wrong again?

Rafael managed to retreat to his room unseen. He hid himself under a blanket entirely, trembling miserably. He couldn’t sleep while his thoughts whirred.

His therapist had helped convince Rafael that he wouldn’t be sent away, that he wouldn’t lose his family. But the insecurities and fears lingered, ready to resurface at any given moment. He hadn’t seen his papa in what, to a child, felt like a lifetime. He missed his parent, especially after the weird phone call. Why didn’t his papa say anything to him, like he did to Max? He wanted words of comfort, too. And he desperately wanted to see his papa. Over the course of long, dark hours he hatched a plan.

The next morning didn’t dawn any more pleasantly than the previous day ended. In the early hours of the morning Max started throwing up, having caught the stomach flu circling around at his school. It was just two of them sitting around the breakfast table. Rafael couldn’t stop casting glances towards the two empty seats. Knowing that Max was sleeping in his room and his papa was awake and safe at the hospital didn’t ease his mind.

Would their family ever have a normal breakfast again?

“Rafe?” There was a worried frown on his daddy’s face. “Are you okay?”

Rafael focused on the pancakes he’d been pushing around on his plate. They didn’t taste the way they were supposed to but he didn’t have the heart to say as much out loud. “Sorry, daddy. I’m not hungry.” He chewed his lower lip, hating how his eyes stung, and remembered his therapist encouraging him to be honest. He couldn’t reveal his whole plan for the day but... “I miss papa today.”

His daddy gulped so loudly that he heard it. “So do I. He always knows how to make you and Max feel better when you’re sick.”

“He’ll be home soon, right?” Rafael searched his daddy’s face as well as he could, considering that the man wasn’t looking his way. “Now that he’s awake... Isn’t he supposed to come home?”

Rafael must’ve said something wrong and he regretted all his recent words instantly. Because the look that appeared to his daddy’s face... All that sadness... It scared him. “Rafe, your papa...” It seemed to be hard to figure out what to say. “He still has a lot of healing to do. It’ll take while before we get him back home.”

Rafael felt like someone had smacked him, even if he’d expected that answer. He wanted to start screaming and crying, like Max sometimes did while upset. He wanted to howl how unfair this all was, how sad and scared he was. But he could only nod meekly, eyes cast downwards.

“Rafe...”, his daddy started. Before the sound of a doorbell startled them both. With frustrated muttering the man headed to let in the arrival.

Soon aunt Clary walked to the kitchen and greeted him with a small smile. “Hey. I heard that Max is sick so I came to take you to school.”

Rafael nodded, eager to leave. He was restless and his skin prickled like there were ants under it. “I’ll get my bag.”

The adults talked quietly, which probably meant that they were talking about him. Usually he would’ve worried that he’d done something wrong but at the moment getting out was a priority. His daddy handed him an apple when he emerged from his room. “I don’t like you going to school without a proper breakfast. Have this, at least.” The man tried to smile but it didn’t look right even to a child. “I’ll see you when you get home. Maybe we can order pizza.”

Rafael nodded. His head was too full for him to manage any kind of a smile. “Okay.” He was about to just rush out until he remembered a promise he made to himself. “I love you.” He was never again going to part from one of his parents before they knew that.

His daddy seemed surprised for a moment. (He didn’t exactly gift those three words often.) “I love you, too.”

Clary was good company. Rafael was embarrassed by how little attention he paid to her good-natured chatter on their way to his school. If she noticed that he never ate the apple she didn’t call him out on it. “Have a good day. And try to not worry too much”, she wished when they reached their destination.

Rafael nodded. After thanking her for the ride and saying ‘bye’ he watched her drive away. Then, instead of going to school, he rushed to a bus stop and took the next bus to the hospital.

He’d listened in on enough adult conversations to know that his papa was at a ward called ICU. He didn’t know what it meant but it sounded scary and lonely. It was a good thing that everyone he came across was too busy or deep in thought to pay attention to a lonely child. Everything went according to his plan until he reached the ICU, saw all the doors and realized that he had no idea which room was the correct one.

Just that once fate was on his side. Rafael shivered from startle when an exhausted looking woman in a white coat emerged from one of the rooms and looked over her shoulder at whoever was inside. “Think about what I said, Magnus. I know that everything is too much right now but whenever you’re ready to talk I’m ready to try helping you.”

Not many people had the same name as his papa. It was a struggle to wait until the woman, a doctor of some sort, was out of sight but Rafael managed. Then he rushed forward. As soon as he entered the room Rafael froze. Inside and out. Because the man sitting up in the bed with difficulty didn’t look like his papa.

This person was pale, shaved bald, bruised, gaunt and visibly pained. They stared at each other as though the other was a stranger. “Papa?” he managed at last, his heart racing and breaking in his chest.

The man swallowed. Searched his eyes frantically with no trace of recognition. “Who... would you be?” His papa shook his head, to grimace immediately after. “... don’t ... I’m sorry.”

Rafael was getting genuinely scared. “Papa, it’s me, Rafe. Don’t you know me?” The man very clearly didn’t and the boy’s heart plummeted to his stomach while his eyes stung. “We... We fought. I said mean things, before your accident. Is that why?”

For the first time something even remotely familiar appeared to his papa’s eyes. “... hit my head, badly. Not your fault.”

Rafael wasn’t exactly comforted. By then the first tears were running down his cheeks. “You... You have to remember me. Papa, please...!” This couldn’t be happening...! “Papa, I’m your son, your Rafe! You... You have to remember me!”

His papa attempted to answer him. The man licked his lips while opening his mouth several times, tears filling his anxious eyes. Instead of actual words something incomprehensible came out before those eyes rolled back. In front of the boy’s terrified gaze the man’s body slumped down limply, like there was no will in it anymore. Then started to convulse uncontrollably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when you thought that this couldn’t get any more traumatizing on Rafael... (winces and whimpers) That poor boy! This poor family! How much more can they take?!
> 
> Sooooo... Thoughts? Comments? Threats? Rants? PLEASE, let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	6. Clinging to the Wreckage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lightwood-Banes continue to struggle with their current reality. Some breaking points lead to tentative progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s right! After leaving you guys hanging for AGES I’m back with another chapter this soon after the previous update. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! It means SO MUCH to me that you guys were waiting for this one to come back. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

By the time it was nine fifty in the morning Alec felt weary to his bones and not only because he couldn’t sleep at all the night before.

Max kept vomiting and had already cried several times despite trying to hold himself back. ‘I miss papa’, the boy whimpered at one point and oh how Alec missed Magnus, too. He hated having to break his promise to be with his husband in the morning. Of course Magnus would understand, considering the circumstances, but the man being all alone in a hospital bed after how broken he seemed the day before... It scared Alec. He was also alarmed by how withdrawn Rafael was earlier that morning.

There was so much fear and worry in Alec that it made his body hurt.

At ten thirty in the morning Max had just fallen asleep after throwing up for the fifth time. Alec sat in the living room, his face buried to his hands and his phone on table in front of him. He was supposed to call the hospital to have nurses deliver Magnus a word why he wasn’t coming. And he would do so, as soon as he didn’t feel like he’d burst into tears any given second. He just needed a moment to collect himself and catch his breath.

Unfortunately fate wasn’t planning on granting him even that much mercy. Alec shivered when his phone started ringing. His chest area tightened to an agonizing extend when he noticed that it was from the hospital. Perhaps due to him being a doctor he had a sixth sense when it came to foreseeing unpleasant news. “Alec”, he answered stiffly.

A heavy sigh revealed that the caller wasn’t much happier about the situation. “_It’s me._” Andrew hesitated. “_We’re not entirely sure what’s going on yet, but... Rafael is here. And... He saw Magnus having a seizure._”

Alec forgot a breath, perhaps two. “What?” He shook his head, desperate to clear it. None of what he just heard made sense.

Rafael was supposed to be at school. Magnus was supposed to be doing better, at least slightly. How could this be happening?

“_... hear me? Alec!_” Andrew’s voice reached him with difficulty. “_We got that seizure under control but it was followed by another one almost immediately. We’re working on stopping it. Rafe... He really needs you right now._”

Alec blinked. Once, twice. “I’ll be right there.” It was eerie how calm he managed to sound. For a while he operated inside a numb bubble. He ensured that Max was sleeping soundly, with a bucket beside his bed, just in case. He called Izzy, knowing that she had a day off, and asked her to babysit his youngest. Then he made his way to the bathroom, closed the door and locked it. Which was when the numb bubble burst.

Alec didn’t make any sort of a conscious decision. All of a sudden he was just punching the wall, as hard as he could. He opened his mouth but was too breathless for screaming. So he kept pummeling the wall instead.

Punch. (In his mind’s eye Magnus’ radiantly smiling face transformed to unconscious, nearly lifeless one.)

Punch. (Magnus holding his hand while dragging him through a mall was marred by the way the man held his hand the day before. Like someone drowning and fighting desperately to stay afloat.)

Punch. (The sound of Magnus’ laughter became mixed with the horrible noises the man made after learning about the amputation.)

The taste of Magnus’ lips was tainted by that of blood and Alec realized that he must’ve bitten his tongue or cheek. The numb bubble returned as fast as it burst. He stared at his battered knuckles, feeling strangely like they weren’t a part of his own body at all. Moving on autopilot, he used cool water to soothe the damage until the sound of a doorbell yanked him to full awareness.

Izzy likely noticed what he’d done to his hands but didn’t call him out on it at the moment. Instead she moved to hug him but he refused her with a shake of head. “I’m... I can’t.” His voice was so hoarse that for a second he wondered if he screamed out loud, after all. “If you touch me I’ll lose control and...” He trailed off. He couldn’t lose control, too many people he loved needed him to stay strong right now.

Izzy nodded. Not necessarily happy but understanding. “As long as you know that you’re not alone in this. We’re all here for you, all of you. Got that?”

Alec nodded, dangerously close to losing control over himself. After that... he didn’t have very clear memories. He took a cab to the hospital, even on such a day sensible enough to know that he shouldn’t drive. His feet led him to the ICU. The sterile reek and suffocating silence that smacked him across the face at that ward just about tore his new numb bubble to shreds.

There was no one around to update him on Magnus’ condition. Catarina, who must’ve been paged there from her own ward by Andrew, was kneeling on the floor. She gave him a sad, supportive smile before refocusing on the person she’d been whispering to.

Alec probably wouldn’t have noticed Rafael if it wasn’t for her. His heart constricted when he saw the boy hiding behind a bench, legs brought against his chest and tears rolling down pale cheeks. Even more heartbreaking was the fear that appeared to Rafael’s eyes when the child saw him. (Neither of them noticed how Catarina withdrew to grant them some privacy.) “Daddy, I... I didn’t mean to...! I wasn’t supposed to... I didn’t mean to make him...” The boy was too scared and sad to continue.

Alec shook his head and knelt to his son’s side. “Rafe, none of this is your fault.” He cleared his throat when the lump there nearly kept him from speaking. “Your papa... He didn’t get sick because of you but because his head got hurt in the accident.”

Rafael shook his head frantically. “He got into that accident because of me!” The boy was hysterical, screamed in a way Alec had never heard before. Tears rolled down uncontrollably. “I... I was upset because I lost that stupid science thing, and... Daddy, I said mean things to papa.” By then Rafael could barely talk and refused to meet his eyes. “I... I said those things, then he got into an accident and... now he doesn’t remember me. He wanted to forget me, and it’s my fault.”

Alec was almost certain that getting stabbed would’ve hurt less than his son’s current agony. He couldn’t quite keep all his emotions from his voice. “Rafe, I talked to your papa just before the accident. He was sad for you but he wasn’t upset or angry. Whatever you said... It was wrong, but he’d forgiven you long before he hit his head.” He had to compose himself for a few moments. “You have to know that forgetting you, Max or me is the last thing your papa would ever want. Because we’re his most precious things in this whole world.” He couldn’t squeeze out that Magnus had forgotten their wedding, too. It would’ve been too much on them both.

Alec was hoping that his words would comfort Rafael. He was startled when the boy’s sobs intensified, all the pain, longing and guilt the child had bottled up since this nightmare began breaking free. Unable to speak, Rafael crawled to Alec’s arms and clung to him as though for dear life. The whole time the boy sobbed so hard that it was closer to screaming.

Up until that moment Alec had fought tooth and nail to keep himself composed. But his heart was broken and tired, and his son’s agonized cries smashed it to pieces. He closed his eyes and pulled Rafael as close as physically possible. Then allowed himself to break down as well.

In a room nearby medical professionals worked on the man they both longed for.

/

Magnus woke up groggy and disoriented. Every single one of his limbs seemed to weight a ton while he struggled to comprehend what happened. He recalled being upset but not what caused it. Until the mental image of Rafael’s pained face floated to his head. He didn’t remember the whole thing but he did remember the boy begging with him.

/ _“Papa, I’m your son, your Rafe!”_ /

Magnus’ stomach rolled and he shifted to lay on his side as much as he could. He gagged and wanted to throw up but nothing came up. When was the last time he ate something? Not that he would’ve felt like eating now.

He wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

“... ‘gnus?” a familiar voice mumbled. Alec rubbed his own face roughly with one hand. “Sorry, I was waiting for you to wake up but I must’ve fallen asleep.” The other hand caressed his arm. “How are you feeling?”

Magnus didn’t want to break his beloved’s heart with an honest answer. “Tired.” Talking was a frustrating, almost impossible chore. His tongue was too thick and heavy, the words barely made it through. He frowned, trying desperately to think and focus. His muscles were sore and twitched from residual tension. “... happened?” Brief flashes of the child who shouldn’t have been a stranger to him continued to haunt him mercilessly. How much pain was he putting such an innocent soul through? “Rafe?”

Alec hesitated. “You had altogether four seizures.” The doctor held a pause, sensing that he needed extra time to process things. Or perhaps the pause was due to reluctance to share the news. “Rafe... saw some of the first. He was shaken but I talked to him and he fell asleep. Catarina’s shift ended so she took him home. Izzy’s babysitting him and Max.”

Maybe that should’ve comforted Magnus but it didn’t. He shifted again, ignoring how difficult it was and how much it hurt, and glared at the ceiling in helpless fury. “... scared him so badly ...” For such a long time he was convinced that he’d be a horrible father. He dared to try because he had Alec, who was born to be a parent, by his side. When they started to get a hang of things with Max he slowly yet surely started to believe in his own abilities. Now he’d traumatized a son he couldn’t recall having.

“Not because of anything you would’ve had any control over.” Alec’s hand squeezed his, trying to ground him. “I’m telling you what I told Rafe, because it’s true. None of this is your fault. Our kids are the last thing you’d ever choose to forget.”

Magnus attempted to cling to the comfort of those words. Instead his gaze strayed to Alec’s knuckles. A wounded whimper crawled up his throat when he saw the bruised and damaged skin. He attempted to run his fingers soothingly across them but was too clumsy to manage it.

So it wasn’t bad enough that his own past... urges and the nasty voices in his head were back – because of him Alec was also slipping back to old, unhealthy coping mechanisms.

“Not your fault, either”, Alec insisted. Sounding guilty and ashamed. “Just a moment of stupidity.” They both knew that it wasn’t as simple as that.

They weren’t only slipping, they were falling apart, and at this rate their sons would fall apart, too.

Magnus was drained, emotionally and physically. He didn’t think he’d ever liked himself as little as he did now, and that was saying a lot. Somehow it pushed him into doing the bravest thing of all – facing the facts. “... can’t go on like this.” He met Alec’s eyes, which had understandable alarm in them. “... need help ... both of us.”

Alec nodded slowly. “I’ll have more sessions with my therapist if you promise to talk to one.” Their joined hands squeezed tighter. “We’ll do this together. As a team.”

Magnus nodded, and it was the last thing he managed to do before sleep claimed him.

/

A week passed by with the Lightwood-Banes trying to pull themselves together. Max overcame his stomach flu and, with the aid of his young age, began to adjust to their new reality. Alec saw his therapist more frequently and with the help of his family fought to create something like a routine for the sake of Magnus and their boys. Whenever Max and Rafael were at school he was with Magnus, evenings were dedicated to the boys. Nights were the hardest time, when he was alone with all his thoughts and feelings. Magnus’ empty side of their bed hurt physically. He dreaded to imagine how the dancer felt, all alone at a hospital with his physical ailments.

At least there was some positive development. Magnus’ medication had been adjusted and over the past week there’d been only two seizures. That sunny day the man’s condition was finally stable enough for him to be moved from the ICU to a regular ward. Which meant that the boys could finally visit him.

Max, too young to be wary of hospitals, was excited. Rafael refused to even leave his room. Concern and sorrow twisted Alec’s stomach when he peered in, to see a boy-shaped lump on the bed. “Grandma just came, Max and I are leaving. Are you sure you don’t want to come along?”

“Yeah.” Rafael curled up more tightly. “My stomach hurts. I can’t go.”

Alec wasn’t surprised, which didn’t make the announcement sting any less. Rafael hadn’t talked about Magnus, hadn't even mentioned the word 'papa', since... _that_ day. “Okay.” He sighed. “We’ll be back in a couple of hours. I’ll tell papa ‘Hi’ for you.”

Rafael nodded. Outside the room Alec encountered his mom, who appeared as sad as he felt. “I know that it’s frustrating", she sighed. "But you can’t push him. He’ll open up when he’s ready.”

Alec knew that, of course. Which didn’t make things better. “I have to send Catarina a message. She’ll tell Magnus that Rafe isn’t coming.” He didn’t want to even imagine how his husband would take the news.

/

For the past week Magnus had been trying, truly and honestly. To accept his limitations. To get to know himself again. But far too often it seemed to be an uphill battle.

Phantom pains tormented him almost constantly. Talking was still a challenge. Being moved to a different ward didn’t change the fact that he was stuck inside a hospital, away from home and his family. He was lonely, frustrated and in pain. Today he was also stressed out, nervous and excited, because he’d spend time with his sons after what felt like forever. Or so he imagined until Catarina broke the news that only Max would come.

“Hey.” Her tone revealed that she sensed his anguish and disappointment. “Rafe will come around. He just needs a little more time.”

“... ‘s okay.” Magnus was used to being considered too much, and after what he put Rafael through he could hardly blame the boy for wanting to keep some distance. He had to stop thinking about that before he’d break down in front of his friend. He scowled at his own picture in the mirror his friend gave him. “... ‘wish I’d look representable.”

“Can I help?” Catarina showed him an eyeliner and a mascara. “I know that it’s not much, but... Well, everyone can use a little warpaint sometimes.” After his nod of consent she got to work. With gentle, precise motions she applied the makeup. She appeared pleased with the final product. “And then, a finishing touch.” She revealed a massive, over-dramatic pirate hat. One that’d hide his baldness, the surgical scar on his head and the shunt that’d hopefully be gone soon. “I thought this looked like your style. And Max is going to love it. What do you think?”

Magnus grinned. “Love it.” He put on the hat himself, then gave his reflection another look. For the first time since the accident he looked at least a little bit like himself.

“I take it you approve.”

Magnus nodded. For a while that was the only reaction he could muster. “Yeah. I approve.”

It was a warm day and for Max’s sake the visit was going to take place in a small garden just outside the hospital. Catarina took Magnus there and he loathed having to use a wheelchair, hated needing help. At least they got there first. By the time Alec and Max arrived he was sitting alone in a ridiculous hat and a hospital’s dressing gown. His restless hands worried the blanket covering his leg and stump until he heard approaching steps. His heart thudded when he finally saw his son.

Max had grown up so much from the last coherent memory he had of the boy...!

Max didn’t seem to see the changes in him, wasn’t startled by how visibly unwell he was. The child bolted to motion and rushed to his open arms. (Magnus bit his lip to not groan from discomfort when several unhealed injuries were aggravated.) It took longer than it should’ve before he realized that Max was crying from happiness. “Papa! Papa, papa, papa, papa...!” was all the boy could utter. (Much like during their fist phone call since the accident.)

Magnus closed his eyes and pulled his child close the best as he could. The wild hair tickling his chin reminded him of how much he had to fight for like nothing else could. He clung to that realization and to what little pieces of his very self there were still left with all his might.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This poor family...! But at least it looks like they’re taking some steps towards the better. Let’s hope that poor Rafael gets over his shock soon. And that the whole family holds on tight. (gulps)
> 
> Soooo... Good? Bad? Lukewarm? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	7. Longing and Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Lightwood-Bane family has a few ups and downs while they all continue to adjust to their circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s high time to post a new update, right? Here it is, at last. Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for your comments, love and support! It means the world to me that you’re aboard this, admittedly, pretty painful ride. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Are you ready for some feels? Because here we go. I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

Holding Max… It felt so good that Magnus had hard time controlling his emotions, especially because the brain injury seemed to enhance all feelings. But listening to his son’s excited babbling was also a bit much on his still recovering head.

“... got a new class hamster. And guess what, papa! He has a missing leg, too. I said that he’s just like my papa, and Miss Penhallow gave me a big hug.” Max sounded endearingly proud of him, himself and the little creature the child now had a special connection with.

Carefully avoiding Max noticing, Magnus cast a slightly panicked look at Alec. ‘_Miss Penhallow?_’ How many people were there in his son’s life he had no idea of? ‘_His teacher, Aline_’, Alec mouthed back.

Max went on, completely unaware of the adults’ exchange. “... named him Skunk, because he’s black and white. He likes cuddles, I can tell. But Miss Penhallow says that we can’t cuddle him too much because he’s so small and fragile.”

Magnus listened to Max babbling as intently as he could, his new limitations considered. Alec joined in whenever he could get a word out and for the first time... since the new reality began the doctor’s eyes were free of pain and sorrow. To not bring either of the others harshly back to reality Magnus talked sparingly to avoid revealing how slurred his speech still was. He drank in every single second like a sponge. It’d been so long, too long, since they last spent time together like this. Since he last actually saw Max. Holding his son and seeing Alec genuinely happy felt so good that it made him want to cry, even if it was painful as well.

Unfortunately it was also Magnus’ first time out of bed since the accident. His recovery had advanced but his body was also still terribly battered. He wanted to whimper from frustration when it got harder and harder to keep track of the conversation around him. A headache started to creep in and his hands began to shake. Soon he wouldn’t be able to maintain his grip on Max anymore.

He’d have to say ‘bye’ and he had no idea how he’d be able to handle it.

He sensed with every cell of his body that Alec wasn’t any happier about the separation, temporary as it was. The man gave him a look of deep sympathy and sorrow before focusing on their son. “Max, I think papa needs some rest, now. Let’s take him to his room, okay?”

Max shuddered like someone had struck him. “But... Papa’s awake and okay, now. He’ll come home with us. Right?”

Alec’s whole demeanor changed. (Magnus wondered if that was how his beloved looked while delivering bad news to patients.) One large hand tried land on Max’s shoulder but the boy dodged it. “Papa’s doing better, but he isn’t well enough to return home yet.” The man went on when the child whimpered. “We talked about this, remember? Today we’ll just visit. We can come back as many times as you want to when papa is having good days, like today.”

Max’s desperate, tear-filled eyes turned towards Magnus’. “Papa, please...!” The boy’s voice broke. “I miss you. Rafe misses you. Come home.”

If Magnus hadn’t known better, he would’ve been convinced that there was a rope wrapped around his neck. Why did he have to keep doing this to his family? He worked his hardest to speak as clearly as he could manage. “... can’t yet.” Oh, how badly he wanted to go home, but he couldn’t. He was far from ready for it. “... miss you, too. So much that it’s silly.” He hugged his son the best as he could and tried to curl protectively around Max when the by then sobbing child clung to him. “... ‘miss the bed at home, too. Even daddy’s snoring. And cooking.”

Max wrinkled his nose through tears. Clearly as familiar with Alec’s cooking skills as he was. Before the man could protest the child spoke out. “He makes great waffles, though.”

Magnus nodded and blatantly ignored how dizzy it made him. “He does.” He leaned to Max’s ear and whispered, partially because he didn’t trust his voice enough to try anything louder. “... be home before you know it. ... you give daddy a hundred hugs a day ... you two love hugs.”

“So do you.” Max sniffled and frowned while studying his face with a worried gaze. “Who will give you hugs here?”

Magnus refused to let it show how lonely he’d feel. He poked Max’s nose gently and the boy leaned eagerly to the contact. “... be okay ... leave worrying to adults.”

Max nodded his agreement, not happy but seeing that there was no other choice. Magnus couldn’t stomach even the thought of his son watching him being wheeled away so he let the duo go first. The parting hug Max gave him nearly shattered his heart.

Alec kissed him with so much love that it took his breath away. It was hard to say which one of them was closer to tears. “I love you, so much”, the taller man whispered. “And I’m so proud of you.”

Magnus couldn’t imagine why. He was a weak, wrecked, pathetic mess. But he clung to the comfort of those words, anyway. “... love you, too.” He didn’t need to tell Alec to look after the kids. He knew the doctor would, with all he had.

Catarina might’ve been observing from afar because she knew to appear the exact moment Alec and Max, walking hand in hand, disappeared from view. She held him supportively while he finally did break down a little bit, not offering words because she knew that none would’ve made any actual difference.

“Catarina...”

“Thank me and I’ll smack you, brain damage be damned.” It felt good to joke about that, macabre as it was. She hugged him for a few more seconds before starting to wheel him back inside. “Now let’s get you to bed. You need all the rest you can get to survive the physical therapy Santiago has in store for you tomorrow.”

Magnus liked the sound of that, especially when the visit from Max and the determination to help Rafael, too, made him more inspired than he’d ever been.

/

It turned out Rafael’s stomach pains weren’t caused entirely by psychological reasons. By the following day it became clear that the boy had caught Max’s stomach flu. Holding his trembling son, Alec felt like crying the tears he could tell Rafael was holding back.

Alec stayed up with Rafael through the night, then made breakfast and tried to give Max a morning that was as normal as possible. Every now and then he cast longing glances towards the bedroom and the bed inside. He missed Magnus, so much that it _hurt_, and it would’ve been amazing to have two adults sharing the current chaos. His husband’s arms around him would’ve soothed a great deal of his hurt.

At least he got to hear Magnus’ voice. Unfortunately it was while he announced that he wouldn’t be able to visit. He wanted to stay with Rafael and he also couldn’t take the risk of Magnus contracting the stomach flu as well. The man just made it out of the ICU, getting sick could’ve been a disastrous blow on his system.

Perhaps he didn’t do as good of a job as he’d been hoping to hide his inner turmoil. “_Alexander?_” Magnus inquired when there was the slightest hitch in his voice. “_... you alright?_”

Alec’s stomach twisted. He was supposed to help, not make his husband feel worse. “Of course. I just... Well, it was a sleepless night.” What sort of an answer was that?

Too vague, Magnus seemed to decide. “_... want me to feel better? Look after yourself, and M... the boys._” (The man was still gutted that he’d forgotten Rafael. That sometimes his mind still forgot.) “_... ‘thing will be okay._”

Alec wondered which one of them Magnus attempted to convince. The reassurance helped, anyway. His eyes softened and a tiny bit of the weight he’d piled on his shoulders faded away. “What would I do without you?” He shuddered upon realizing how close he came to having to find out.

“_Hey._” Magnus’ voice was surprisingly firm and commanding. “_... no thoughts like that. Worrying..._”

“... causes wrinkles”, Alec finished what Magnus often said. (And utterly failed to live by himself.) “I think I fell in love with you a little more when you said that for the first time.”

The phone call helped, Alec hoped desperately that them both. An hour later he was surprised to have Jace, Catarina and her little girl Madzie visiting. “What... are you doing here?” he inquired while Max greeted Madzie joyously and led her to his room.

Jace shrugged. “You just messaged that Rafe was finally able to fall asleep. So we decided to give you a small break.”

“He’ll be fast asleep for a while. You know how that boy is when he gets sick”, Catarina continued. “And Madzie will keep Max entertained.” They both knew that Max had something of a tiny, childish crush on Madzie. “I’ll be here with them. Why don’t you go out with Jace? You can’t keep burning the candle from both ends.”

Alec wanted to argue. He hated himself a little for not managing to. Later he arched an eyebrow while his brother parked outside an archery lane. “What... are we doing here?”

“Did you seriously imagine that I’d forgotten how much you loved coming here when we were young and stupid? Then your studies, work and being a daddy took up your time.” Jace offered him a bow and arrows. “You’ve been there for others so much, especially lately. Now you’re going to spend the next two hours just being Alec.”

It was a bit strange at first. But Alec’s body hadn’t forgotten his favorite hobby. With each arrow he focused more on the here and now instead of all the troubles currently haunting his life. For the first time in... forever he was completely relaxed. It didn’t magically fix everything that was wrong but nonetheless felt incredibly good.

/

Relationships take effort. That was something Magnus had always known. Sadly before Alec he’d had very few partners who would’ve considered being with him worth genuine effort. Having a relationship with one partner stuck badly injured in a hospital and the other partner at home with two young children took particularly lot of effort. Trying to be a proper couple under their current circumstances... It was a struggle.

Every single day Magnus dreamed of going home, even if it was in his current far from ideal body. He dreamed of sleeping in his bed, bonding with Alec and the boys, especially Rafael, once more. He dreamed of having a life outside physical therapy, the ward’s meal times, doctor’s rounds, occasional visitors and just lying in bed with too much time to think.

One gloomy evening well after visiting hours had ended Magnus was pleasantly surprised when Alec sneaked into the room. It was three days from when Rafael fell ill and he’d missed his beloved so much that it was ridiculous. “... ‘doing here?”

“I felt lonely. So I asked mom to babysit the boys and came to see you.” They greeted each other with a long, loving kiss. “I missed you so damned much”, Alec breathed against his lips.

“... missed you, too”, Magnus admitted quietly and clung to the other’s clothes, as though terrified that the taller man might disappear. He was confused when Alec used one hand to reveal a Tablet and fiddle with it. His muscles tensed up once soft, romantic music started to play in a low volume.

“I know that you’re not ready for anything... like that. Emotionally or physically”, Alec reassured him. “But... Maybe we can still... enjoy each other.” Color appeared to the man’s cheeks. “I’d... want to make you feel good.”

Magnus was wary at first. But just like since the very beginning Alec seemed to know instinctively what he wanted and needed. Calloused but tender hands slipped under his shirt and caressed him in ways that made him shiver from pleasure. They were careful to avoid all spots that would’ve made him feel uncomfortable. An even gentler mouth appreciated his lips, neck and chest area, sending the best possible tingle through him. Several times over. Eventually Magnus was confident enough to respond in kind. His lips were dry and his hands lacked their former gracefulness but Alec obviously didn’t mind. For a few stolen hours Magnus forgot about his stump and the rest of the ways in which his body had changed. They both forgot where they were. All that existed was two men in love and the music.

Two and a half hours later a nurse found them. They slept soundly with smiles on their faces. She didn’t have the heart to kick Alec out.

/

Rafael continued to avoid mentioning his papa for a couple of more days. Did his best to not even think about his other parent because it hurt too much. But in the end the whole situation got too much on him.

He’d had a lot of nightmares since his papa’s accident. They haunted him almost every night. Something about the one he had one particular dark night made it worse than others.

In the horrible dream he and his papa were in a forest, where thick fog began to engulf them. Rafael was terrified and did his best to keep up with the man walking in front of him. In the end he found himself standing paralyzed while the fog swallowed his papa.

“Papa?” There was no response and fear squeezed his chest mercilessly. Tears filled his eyes. “Papa? Papa!” Only silence answered him.

Rafael woke up crying, with his entire body covered in cold sweat. His heart hammered while his wide eyes darted around, trying to convince his mind that he was safe. That he was home and his papa was safe, too. He wanted to call out to the man but knew, miserably well, that he wouldn’t get an answer. Just like in the dream.

A few heartbroken, scared moments later Rafael came to a decision. It didn’t matter at the moment whether his papa remembered him or not. He wouldn’t be able to find any peace of mind before he’d hear his absent parent’s voice. Moving soundlessly, he left the bed and tiptoed to the kitchen. Where his daddy had fastened a piece of paper with the word ‘Magnus’ and a phone number written on it to a fridge’s door.

Rafael had been given a cell phone for emergencies. He decided that such a night counted as one. He took the paper and from the safety of his room made the call before he could overthink it.

To his surprise his papa answered very quickly. And didn’t sound like he’d been sleeping. “_Hello?_”

“It’s... It’s me, Rafe. Rafael.” He sniffled, embarrassed to notice the moisture in his eyes. “I’m... I know that I’m not supposed to call this late, but... I had a bad dream and...” He trailed off. Did he deserve this comfort? Did it matter with how badly he wanted it, anyway? “You don’t remember me. And I’m too old for them, but... Can you tell me a bedtime story? About anything.”

His papa didn’t laugh, ridicule him or hang up. There was a strange sound from the other end of the line before the man spoke quietly. “_... course I’ll tell you a bedtime story. Anytime._” (If he wasn’t so young and overwhelmed, he would’ve noticed how much of a struggle each word as.) “_... upon a time, there was a brave pilot, who crash-landed in the desert and met a strange but kind boy. ... boy came from a planet far away ..._” (1)

Somewhere in the middle of the story Rafael fell asleep with a smile on his face, tears drying to his cheeks. Elsewhere Magnus ended up falling asleep, too. When the boy woke up in the morning he believed, for the first time in too long, that perhaps things would work out.

/

Four days later it’d already been a long, trying day. Magnus was... having it rough because his body was cramping and aching so badly that he couldn’t go through with the by then usual physical therapy routine. (Being forced to stay in bed and rest after just getting to taste some sort of workout... It was torture on the man who’d always been very active.) The discomfort continued to show in nausea and a crushing headache that left Magnus barely coherent. Alec could barely stand seeing his husband like that and there was no way he could bring the kids along.

Max was too young to understand. The boy had been told that they’d visit his papa and when they suddenly couldn’t... The nearly hysterical crying fit the child had broke Alec’s heart. Rafael had just made the decision to finally see his papa. This setback made the boy withdraw to his shell once more. Alec himself was shaken from the awful dreams he had the night before, mixing with Magnus’ condition that day.

Apparently that wasn’t bad enough. Clary, who babysat the boys while Alec visited Magnus alone, left an hour and a half earlier. Rafael was reading and thinking too much in his room. Max sat watching some cartoon, curled up to a tiny ball on a couch and hiccupping a sob every now and then. The sad remains of what was supposed to be a dinner stood beside a stove and splatters were all over the wall. (Funny how much like dried blood the burned pasta sauce could look.) Alec leaned heavily against the kitchen’s wall, his face buried to his hands. He’d almost managed to catch his breath in the middle of _everything_ when the doorbell rang.

A man he’d never seen before stood behind the door. Something about the stranger made Alec tense up instinctively. “How may I help you?” he asked as politely as he could manage.

“Alec Lightwood? Sorry, Lightwood-Bane.” The arrival went on at his stiff nod. “I’m Victor Aldertree from social services. Lately my office has received a few phone calls that... gave reason for concern. I think we should have a talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) The story of a beyond lovely book called ‘The Little Prince’. (smiles)
> 
> Damn, another roller coaster ride! Oh man. Things are somehow getting better and worse at the same damned time. Hooray, Aldertree has decided to join the party... (gags)
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you. Comments ALWAYS mean the world to me.
> 
> AS FROM NEXT WEEK UPDATES WILL LIKELY APPEAR ON MONDAYS AND FRIDAYS. I’m testing that schedule to see if it sits well with me. (smiles)
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!

**Author's Note:**

> ('Fun' fact? I almost turned their phone conversation to a fight. But in the end that felt too cruel.)
> 
> Oh man...! Poor Alec and Magnus! This is NOT going to be an easy journey. (whimpers)
> 
> Soooo... How was that for a first chapter? Any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know! Starting a new story is always nerve-wrecking, so it’d mean a lot to hear from you.
> 
> In any case, thank you so much reading! And... Maybe I’ll see you again?
> 
> Take care!


End file.
